24 April 2010

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.. 
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice! 
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Marijuana."
6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get. 
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To Go'. 
9. Sing along at the opera. 
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache. 
11. When the money comes out the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!' 
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

04 March 2010

"Mommy Issues"

It would seem that there are a lot of people - grown adults - who still want to claim to have issues with their mother.  

Feeling left out, I have decided to have issues with my own mother.  I didn't have to look too hard to find them.  And when I did, I sat down and wrote her the following letter:

Dear Momma,

You were always, always there for me.  Even when it wasn't convenient for you.  Even when you had to make huge sacrifices to do so.

You went without so that I could have things that I took for granted.

You always had the strength to look out for my best interest.  And the resilience to withstand the hateful words that I would spit back at you for doing so.

No matter what I did - how evil or how stupid - you still supported me.  You could have smacked me in the head, but you didn't.  You hugged me and helped me through it.

You forgave me when I was mean to you.

You held me when I brought pain upon myself.

You took my side when it seemed the whole world was against me.

You listened to me.  And sympathized even when it was the same mistake I had made for the billionth time.

You did things that you weren't crazy about doing just so that I could enjoy doing them.

You believed in me even when I was lacking.  You encouraged me to find strength within myself.

You gave me confidence.  And you taught me how to be able to strive to be better, without thinking less of myself.

You taught me how to turn any negative into a positive.

You always gave me your honest opinion.  You had faith that we could work out any differences we might have.

You always loved me, no matter what I had done to hurt you.

You gave me life.

You provided for me.

You supported me.

You stood at my side.

You fought for me.

You gave me strength.

So you see, I too, have issues with you, Momma.

The issue being that I'm not sure I deserve all you have done for me.

You're not only the best mother, you're also the best friend anyone could have.

I appreciate having you in my life.

And I love you.

02 March 2010

Calmness In Our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace....

20 February 2010

RIP Daddy, the Pit Bull

If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane 
We would walk right up to heaven
And bring you back again.
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow 
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know
But now we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
Since you'll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A cherished place within our hearts 
Is where you'll always stay

-Author Unknown

My most sincere and heartfelt condolences to the Millan Family.  Daddy was the true Pack Leader!

21 January 2010

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

08 January 2010

Inspiring Winter Poem

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to people.  
It was to me and it's very well written.

" WINTER "   

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SHIT it's cold!

The End

11 November 2009

Happy Birthday, Granddaddy!

Pictured:  TGR, Jr. & TGR, III (circa 1945)

I received the following from my father today:

  "T G R, Jr.      11 Nov 1916 (would have been 93 today)

  didn't finish high school.....a little thing like the Great Depression came along when he was 12...     and he worked
  drove to California from Virginia in a Model T Ford and back ...when he was about 18... (the     equivalent of a round the world adventure today)
  served in the Navy during WWII.... didn't deploy overseas
  paid off his mortgage.....
  never got his GED ... yet provided for his family, we all got through college....and left an estate for his wife and family

  a father, grandfather and great grandfather...."

I miss you, Granddaddy!

14 October 2009

The Proper Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "NO!"

And she lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.  She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her rear, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

                                            The End

03 September 2009

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. 

He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. 

"One is Evil.  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good.  It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

30 July 2009

Get Your Degree NOW!

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University of Michigan that many of you should be interested in: “Becoming A Real Man/Husband.”  That’s right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man – as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Man.) Please take a moment to look over the program outline.


Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS – Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECO 001A What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an Idiot When You’re Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECO 001B What Was Yours is Hers


Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting !@#$ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discretely
MEN 231 Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say “Yes, dear”
ECO 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

09 July 2009

The most important thing a man should learn...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.”

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

27 June 2009

The Stonecutter, from "The Tao of Pooh"

There was once a stonecutter, who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life. 

One day, he passed a wealthy merchant's house, and through the open gateway, saw many fine possessions and important visitors. "How powerful that merchant must be!" thought the stonecutter. He became very envious, and wished that he could be like the merchant. Then he would no longer have to live the life of a mere stonecutter. 

To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever dreamed of, envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. But soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants, and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. "How powerful that official is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a high official!" 

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around, who had to bow down before him as he passed. It was a hot summer day, and the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. "How powerful the sun is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the sun!" 

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. "How powerful that storm cloud is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a cloud!" 

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that it was the wind. "How powerful it is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the wind!" 

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, hated and feared by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it — a huge, towering stone. "How powerful that stone is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a stone!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a stone!" 

Then he became the stone, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the solid rock, and felt himself being changed. "What could be more powerful than I, the stone?" he thought. He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stonecutter.

From the book "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff. 

10 June 2009

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Me

1. My two favourite past times are playing with dogs and dancing around my house in my underwear…usually to Madonna, Spice Girls, or Janet Jackson.  
2. My mother is my best friend.
3. My favourite band of all time is a-Ha.
4. I am obsessed with my eyebrows – if they get messed up, I immediately have to brush them back into place.
5. My three favourite foods are French fries, vegetables, and chocolate.  
6. When I watch TV, everything must be quiet and still.
7. As a nine year-old, I was told by a European Official that I would “be the next Audrey Hepburn.” I smiled politely, said, “thank you,” and then asked my peers who she was.
8. All cans and bottles in my cabinets face forward and are in exact rows. My OCD is blatant.
9. I believe Canines to be sacred.
10. My most prized possession is my name; I was named after both of my grandmothers who coincidently shared the same name.

31 May 2009

It requires but one skill...

A holy man was having a conversation with God one day and said, 'God , I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.' 

God led the holy man to two doors.. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. 

In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. 

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. 

They were holding spoons with very long handles, that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. 

But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. 

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. 

God said, 'You have seen Hell.' 

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. 

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. 

The people were equiped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, 'I don't understand..' 
It is simple,' said God . 'It requires but one skill. 

You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.' 

25 May 2009

On Memorial Day...

...I always honour my Uncle Frankie, who taught me to remember not only the soldiers, but the silent heroes, as well.

In honour of King:

from the Official Web Site of the 47th Infantry Platoon (Scout Dog)

Charles Frank Stevens with his scout dog King #72M4 were on patrol ahead of a unit of about 90 men who were following a map that had been found on an enemy officer. Twice King stopped and laid down on the trail in front of his handler and growled. Twice Stevens praised his dog until King got up and moved forward. The third time King left he did not return. The men were ready to go down a hill, when Stevens heard rustling off to the side. Stevens followed the noise and saw King pulling a North Vietnamese soldier out of a ditch. He had the man by the neck and was shaking him. Stevens started firing at the other men in the ditch and at that point "the whole world blew up". Machine gun fire ripped through the jungle killing King and wounding Stevens and his slack man. Stevens reported that his dog, "in his act of bravery (he) saved my life and the lives of countless others..."

Thank you, Uncle Frankie.  I love you!

12 May 2009

Best Scene From A Movie

Achilles: Who are you?

Priam: I have endured what no one on Earth has endured before. I kissed the hands of the man who killed my son.

Achilles: Priam? How did you get in here?

Priam: I know my own country better than the Greeks, I think.

Achilles: You're a brave man. I could have your head on a spit in the blink of an eye.

Priam: Do you really think death frightens me now? I watched my eldest son die - watched you drag his body behind your chariot. Give him back to me. He deserves the honour of a proper burial. You know that. Give him to me.

Achilles: He killed my cousin.

Priam: He thought it was you. How many cousins have you killed? How many sons and fathers and brothers and husbands? How many, brave Achilles? I knew your father. He died before his time. But he was lucky not to live long enough to see his son fall. You have taken everything from me. My eldest son - heir to my throne - defender of my kingdom. I cannot change what happened. It is the will of the gods. But give me this small mercy. I loved my boy from the moment he opened his eyes till the moment you closed them. Let me wash his body. Let me say the prayers. Let me place two coins on his eyes for the boatman.

Achilles: If I let you walk out of here - if I let you take him - it doesn't change anything. You're still my enemy in the morning.

Priam: You're still my enemy tonight. But even enemies can show respect.

From the movie "Troy" starring Brad Pitt as Achilles and Peter O'Toole as Priam.

01 May 2009

Everybody's On The Phone

Message in a bottle, rhythm of a drum 
Smoke signals and telegraphs make the airwaves hum 
But that's all ancient history like bongs and Lincoln Logs 
Now we're living like the Jetsons in a wireless wacky fog 
Squawkin', talkin', hawkin', who knows if anybody's getting through 

Toasters talk to crackberries, Bombay to L.A. 
Teenage needs and long-held dreams as minutes tick away 
We act like crazy people talking to ourselves 
Crashing cars in conversation while that shit flies off the shelf 
The information superhighways locked up like an L.A. traffic jam 

Do you remember dialing up? 
Yes I remember well 
Now I just can't go anywhere with out my sacred cell 
I think that I might die if I miss anything at all 
Text me, send an e-mail, beam me up, give me a call 
I'm ADD on AOL trying to read the writing on the wall 

Now I'm a real jungle jump up 
I'm a megahertz man 
I swing from tree to tree on the very latest plan 
On the download and the dropouts 
On every major city across the land 
I got my Marley on my ringtone, getup, standup, reachout, touch somebody, man 

Everybody's on the phone 
So connected and all alone 
From the pizza boy to the socialite 
We all salute the satellites 
Let me text you with your master plan 
You're loud and clear but I don't understand 
I'm a digital explorer in analog roam 
And everybody's on the phone 

Can you hear me? 
Can you hear me now? 
I gotta get over by the beerstand 
Oh shit my batteries are going 
I'll call you back

by Jimmy Buffett

24 April 2009

To the people who "tweet" every 10 mins...

....Do you not have anyone to talk to?  

It's so amusing...

...that somehow people find the time to keep up with all this crap.  I mean honestly, doesn't anyone have REAL work to do anymore?  Or am I the only one to be so severely uncool by thinking this? Oh, should I beware the anxiety; dare I suggest how absurd our society is becoming?  LMAO  Of course I dare.  I, along with everyone else here, found a "new" spot on the web to establish my existence and simply had to sign up.  Why is this?  Why have we become so obsessed with the MySpaces and FaceBooks and Twitters and LiveJournals out there in cyberspace?  Why do we have such a need to say "Here I am World"?  When did it become the fashion to spend hours "blogging" about ourselves and our own opinions?  What happened to making real contributions to our communities, getting involved in activities, doing charity work?  Are these ideas now a thing of the past?