24 April 2010

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.. 
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice! 
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Marijuana."
6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get. 
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To Go'. 
9. Sing along at the opera. 
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache. 
11. When the money comes out the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!' 
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

04 March 2010

"Mommy Issues"

It would seem that there are a lot of people - grown adults - who still want to claim to have issues with their mother.  

Feeling left out, I have decided to have issues with my own mother.  I didn't have to look too hard to find them.  And when I did, I sat down and wrote her the following letter:

Dear Momma,

You were always, always there for me.  Even when it wasn't convenient for you.  Even when you had to make huge sacrifices to do so.

You went without so that I could have things that I took for granted.

You always had the strength to look out for my best interest.  And the resilience to withstand the hateful words that I would spit back at you for doing so.

No matter what I did - how evil or how stupid - you still supported me.  You could have smacked me in the head, but you didn't.  You hugged me and helped me through it.

You forgave me when I was mean to you.

You held me when I brought pain upon myself.

You took my side when it seemed the whole world was against me.

You listened to me.  And sympathized even when it was the same mistake I had made for the billionth time.

You did things that you weren't crazy about doing just so that I could enjoy doing them.

You believed in me even when I was lacking.  You encouraged me to find strength within myself.

You gave me confidence.  And you taught me how to be able to strive to be better, without thinking less of myself.

You taught me how to turn any negative into a positive.

You always gave me your honest opinion.  You had faith that we could work out any differences we might have.

You always loved me, no matter what I had done to hurt you.

You gave me life.

You provided for me.

You supported me.

You stood at my side.

You fought for me.

You gave me strength.

So you see, I too, have issues with you, Momma.

The issue being that I'm not sure I deserve all you have done for me.

You're not only the best mother, you're also the best friend anyone could have.

I appreciate having you in my life.

And I love you.

02 March 2010

Calmness In Our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace....

20 February 2010

RIP Daddy, the Pit Bull

If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane 
We would walk right up to heaven
And bring you back again.
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow 
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know
But now we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
Since you'll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A cherished place within our hearts 
Is where you'll always stay

-Author Unknown

My most sincere and heartfelt condolences to the Millan Family.  Daddy was the true Pack Leader!

21 January 2010

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

08 January 2010

Inspiring Winter Poem

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to people.  
It was to me and it's very well written.

" WINTER "   

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SHIT it's cold!

The End